Trying to write...

I'm trying to write lately, but trying isn't quite doing it!

I sometimes have this intense drive to write and then I let it go...

Going to get back to it!! Maybe writing for an hour a day could help?

Spinner of webs

"I'm walking in a spider web...leave a message and I'll call you back"=No Doubt.

There's this strong, strong spider
living in a web made all on its own.

Rain splashes down,
it survives.
Wind moves it around, it keeps carrying on...

If one little (well kind of big) spider can have this strength, what are we all complaining about?

The weather, the traffic, the bills=all have us afraid...

But what if our lives were so fragile...as a spider's? (not the most likeable living thing).

We are definitely not invincible as human beings, but we will not lose our lives within an hour of building our home (web), or be knocked down by branches because we are so tiny...in relation to all of humanity...

A spider...hanging on for dear life....this brevity is to be admired.
How could a spider so fearlessly hang on....in the rain, in a storm without having some kind of awareness about survival?

Spinner of webs...although you don't exactly appeal to my senses, I do admire your expertise at living, your unity with your surroundings, your incredible climbing skills and your live for the moment attitude.

Julie and Julia

It's Saturday night...and I'm watching "Julie and Julia". I have the book, but I couldn't get into it. Maybe I'll read later.

The movie is really delightful so far! I'm wondering if I'll get into cooking some day! Today, I boiled some hard boiled eggs, last night I made Pasta...and I wonder what I'll make tomorrow...turkey burgers... :)

These are all pretty basic things to make...but I have to pat myself on the back!

You see, I didn't have an oven or top burners to speak of for six long years! I lived in Laguna and my free time consisted mostly of walking to the beach (a really far block away...) and going to events with friends/completing volunteer projects.

I blame it on the small studio I was in and the cramped kitchenette space...and I got completely freaked out...when one time the burners would not turn off! It was an old contraption (Top burners/kitchen sink/refrigerator combo) and that's one of the many reasons...and of course the most common one: a lack of time!

Now, I feel more in the cooking mode...why go out to eat so much? I do like nice dinners and inexpensive lunches, dinners...but there's so much I can make at home...

How does one get so amped up on cooking? The creativity of it is what I want to get to...

Funny that Julia is the name of my sister...who happens to be a magnificent cook!

Book about another time..."The Invisible Circus"

The Invisible Circus



I recently finished reading this book and in my mind, some unanswered questions...I thought the writer has a great writing style. She is very descriptive and you can picture the scenes easily.

It is a bit of a travelogue, but it's a painful one in MANY ways. I like the main character's dedication to finding out more about her sister...and what happened to her. I don't think the choices the girl, Phoebe makes are the best choices. But a lot of it comes from hurt from her past. There are a lot of flashbacks...(no pun intended)..it is the 70's...lol! The book goes back and forth between her childhood and the present and even a couple years before...

It's a lot about family and miscommunication...the book has a lesson: to cherish each moment with the ones you love and really notice when a loved one is in trouble/pain.

I think the guy, Wolf (The ex-boyfriend of Phoebe's sister Faith) doesn't always make the best choices either. But there's a lot of realism in how emotions can make people do things they wouldn't normally do.

It's a bit eerie with the search for Faith...or the spirit of Faith. I had this book at one time and put it down because some of the writing about family dysfunction was tough to read...but if you stay with the book through the dark and light...you'll see the light at the end. The writing takes you to Europe along with Phoebe and there are times you feel like you're immersed in the sorrow that Wolf feels.

I recommend this book! It is worth reading...and it leaves you thinking and questioning...which is what people in the 60's and 70's were actively doing...

How does one honor this fateful day?

On this fateful day in 2001, much was lost but there was also a lot gained...

We all witnessed a great coming together of various tribes of people, which was unusual, in my opinon...when everyone was so used to their own little industrial lifescapes...and doing so much on their own. It was nice to see people look beyond their own little nuclear families and their own needs.

We also witnessed great fear and this resulted in some racial profiling, stereotyping, hate crimes. It was very difficult to watch others judge people of middle eastern descent or Muslim religion and label them as terrorists. It was super painful to watch the U.S. and other countries really promote war because of some people who chose to fly right through the twin towers.

I've never gotten to see New York, but I know it's a mecca of diversity. It's hard to believe that this could have happened...and people were just going about their normal work days. Some survived the attacks and some didn't. And I will always remember families with signs around their necks...trying to locate loved ones who could be alive or buried in the rubble at Ground Zero.

I think of everyone hurt as part of the human family. I sometimes feel sad about the people who died in the planes while crashing into buildings. Were they brainwashed? How did they feel before doing this? Was there reflection on life after death and/or the feelings of the victims lost to this horrific occasion?

The best that I can come up with...is darkness escaped that day into the atmosphere and it was not just developed that day...it had been building.

This darkness happens around the world. 9/11 showed us this darkness in an overpoweringly destructive way...but it happens every day...this darkness and hopelessness.

I see it this way...the best we can do as citizens of the world...is to unite with each other. There are different religions, different ethnicities and backgrounds....the acceptance and understanding of this is the way one falls into the divine, the light.

And this has been the way for centuries and trillions of years...let's not forget that. It is the way the world is...and we have much to be grateful about..."variety is the spice of life!"

I'm hoping for more unification and peace throughout the world. Why not?

Getting hooked on Stieg Larsson books..

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

So I'm trying to check out a copy of "The girl who plays with fire" and I'm 159 from the top! I may as well get a copy from Amazon or book store!

The first book was incredibly fast paced==what a page turner! We discussed it at last book club meeting that my boyfriend and I are in.

The book was intense and a bit scary, but it was also incredibly well written!

I can't believe the author died before the books were published. It would have been great to have 5 books of this kind. I'm really now wondering what the next book will be like.

In the first book: there was dark humor, intrigue, strong woman figure, and some abuse. It was difficult to read in some parts, but not difficult enough to put down. The movie was very well done too. I like that it was a foreign film. Now, there may be an american version of film made! Even though I really don't like that idea, I probably will see it. They're deciding on the appropriate actress to play Lisbeth Salander. But I have to say...Lisbeth was not a very appropriate character...you cheer for her, worry about her, and also are saddened by her past. Although she is expressionless at times, she expresses so much! Michael Blomquist...somewhat of an unapologetic womanizer, or man who gets lured in easily by women is charming and kind despite his not seeming to know who he's affecting. I thought the book was alive in it's communication to readers, and just very highly readable overall. I have taken a break from reading the series and now desperately want a copy of next book!

Om Namoh Shivaya by Satyaa and Pari

Om Namoh Shivaya by Satyaa and Pari

Remembering...

...going through papers recently and saw a note from my sister from 1991! I was going to Orange Coast Community College then. I was very happy being in college. High school was a good experience too, but I put friends and athletics first *I was a cross country runner and competed in Track and was on the JV soccer team for two years.

The note from her was sweet and she was proud of me for doing well in my coursework.

Those were the days! I had a 1982 Red Toyota Tercel. My cousin sold it to me and I loved that car! Unfortunately, was in a car accident and the front end was crushed a bit and I took it to car shop and they said it was a loss...

I used to play tapes in the tape player! I remember listening to the band, Soul II Soul and going to my dance classes on other side of campus. That was the highlight of the day for me.

Some things that I think of when I think of this time period:
goofy times with my friend, Kim.
A love thang with someone special *Kim introduced us.
The Doors movie was out!
Dates before the love thang (went to Catalina, rode in a dune buggy, wine and cheese parties in Huntington Beach, listening to Live music).
Learning Classical Guitar
Going to eat at outside cafes on Campus with friend, Michelle (good patty melts!)
My hair was long and curly and college was new to me...and I was in a fashion show on campus. They spotted me while I was reading my books on a break from class. Who knows...maybe I could have been a model! *well, I woulda liked the free clothes! But I'm too talkative for that. :)

Life then...and now=a work in progress. I made lots of friends and was actually sad to transfer to Cal State Long Beach. At first I thought I'd be lost in the crowd...but then I started classes in my major: "English 'option in creative writing'" and met some very good friends..in poetry class and from the apartment I moved into...saw the ad posted on kiosk area on campus (old school Craig's List).

I'm remembering...

Swimming around...

Love love the ocean!!! If summer could be year round...that would be grand, because I could pop in the ocean and snorkel, body surf, or just float and do the backstroke all the time.

I love the way the water surrounds me and the feeling of being in water...

It's like a safety net for me...especially when I'm feeling crabby. :)

We have been given such a gift...and I think the ocean would appreciate it very much if we all took good care of it.

I feel like a little kid writing this, but this is serious stuff. Enjoy the ahhh moments of being in the water...the refreshing cool, the waves, the fun=but also enjoy taking care of the living sea and all other living items in our world.

Street Lights..

Street lights
shift inside my gaze.

The lights I saw
are just a haze.

The path I walk
is covered in leaves
and murky light
is not easy to read.

Travel North
I think to go.

I follow this walk;
I follow it North
and no more pain
completes this path.

This pain, this life
is not in lack.

Yoga Nights!

(this is when I was going to an awesome yoga class every Friday night in Laguna Beach).

Music Sweeps
as we bend deep,
forward, back, and down.
Night energy swirls.

Balancing poses
start off good
and I waiver, then stand
...balanced.
...for now.

Stretching high.
Stretching low.

The air of night makes me whole
and yoga moves...I move my breath.

Complete surrender.
My heart is blessed.

Alive tonight...

Just happy to be alive and well tonight...I'm feeling grateful for the most mundane things.

An hour practice of yoga does that to u!

:)

Getting Up Early

Piece I read aloud in Wild Womyn writers' group in Santa Ana the other night. I was nervous reading to a group. Did this way back, but I think I could get the hang of it again=I think!... :)

Getting Up Early

Some people love to get up right when the sun rises. Just like in a commercial, they stretch and smile and welcome the day!

Yes, I agree. A new day is grand, but Sun-can you wait awhile until I'm ready to get up? Job, can you wait too? I'm not ready for this early day and I amongst many others-scream at the heavens: Can we please go back to sleep again? I'm not sure this is what we signed up for!

Birds can chirp-chirp away, but I'm not so cheery and if my alarm doesn't go off, that's spectacular for me! But I'm awakened again by sharp radio tones and then a slow song comes on,and I almost fall back deep into the sweet comfort of my bed, but then glance again at the clock. What? It's 7am? I didn't get to meditate! Will I even be able to take a shower, let alone comb my hair?

I find two mismatched socks. That'll do. I find my purse under the bed, grab my keys, and then out the door like lightning-only to be welcomed, this day welcomes me, to traffic stretching from my town to an infinite amount of towns in California.

And the morning greets me.

There has to be a better way. :)

shopping at Ikea...Disneyland or Maze?

I do love Ikea and could be there for hours and hours, but it's very interesting how the exit is very difficult to find. I'm wondering if that wasn't a mistake on the architect's grand plan!? Basically, you have to ask everyone and anyone where different sections (living room, bedroom, kitchen) are. I love looking at puppets in the kids' section but not really when I'm in a time crunch! Of course...if we all get lost, the friendly helpers in Yellow uniforms are right there and can sell us on something...well, that's not exactly true..they're quite friendly and not noticeably eager to pitch Ikea products, but maybe the idea is to ask them questions and then a conversation springs up about all the lovely furniture. Of course it looks super lovely until you get home and have to put it all together! That's why I just go get duvet covers, comforters, and plants! Well, I will get furniture such as sofa bed (when I can afford it), but not something like a 5 piece this or that...(It's actually usually 50 plus pieces to put together)...so, I was looking at what level warmth comforter to get...1, 2, 3, all season 1+3 or 4...and was getting so utterly confused that I kept walking round and round and felt like I was in the middle of a desert with no water! I started stumbling toward what I thought was the exit...pushing my shopping cart which suddenly felt as heavy as 3000 bricks.Luckily, I run into a couple who seem to know the lay of the land, but not surprisingly...they're lost too! Our only oasis are the signs ahead which are labeled very inconspicuously and I start to feel like I'm a character in "Alice in Wonderland"=the Johnny Depp version (haven't seen, but my guess is it's pretty trippy.) I see a computer...a big, friendly sign reads "leave your comments! Anything we can improve?" I think to myself, you bet your *&$#! I make a beeline for the oh so bright and friendly computer and write: "How does one find the exit to the store...do we ever get out?" And Dear Kmart [insert Ikea here] shoppers, the "as is" furniture didn't fail to tempt me...scraps of textiles, grungy books, and just a tad too boldly colored furniture...inspiring? No. Intriguing..perhaps...

And finally...the slowest race in the world of shopping has come to a rapid halt! Self checkout=cool...not so cool though when beaten by consumerism that just won't let ya go! Can I hold up the beeper or whatever it is to scan my goodies? Yah..I think so. Skinny teen with a ready smile knows I'm at the end of my rope...so offers me some encouragement."Just a few more steps to take, Miss. And I think you'll be able to go home." The word "home" almost sends me to delirium...and I'm just about to open my neatly packaged level 3 comforter and curl up in a ball on the floor when....

Say it ain't so! Ahead of me...oh yes..the light at the end of the tunnel...the great parking lot before me (with my car somewhere beyond the sunset) and Ikea slices of pizza with soda combo! I've really walked a mile or more today for the love of...about 4 items and loads of distraction. But you bet we'll all be back! Crazy but true... =P

Missing Mom on Mother's Day...

Today, I hardly got out of the house. I waited for cable guy to come by to get cable to work right, then I got hooked on some movies and there goes the day! I did cook and made some smoothies in blender and made Pasta! I hardly cook so this was good! And I want to learn to cook more for myself and boyfriend and friends/family!

Today I felt sad not to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom. I just missed her terribly...and we kept missing each other on phone. I really wanted to talk to her today.

I think we'll be able to talk to each other tomorrow. I think this is a feeling of sadness I'm getting...because a few years back..I was in a car accident the day after Mother's Day. I was sad because I couldn't talk with her on Mother's day that year too. That was 2008.

My subconscious may also be remembering that accident and the trauma I went through and how that affected my body and spirit.

I made it through that though...so I'm grateful. :) I'm alive today and feel very happy that I survived. My car was spinning and spinning...I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly live through that.

It feels good to write tonight. Mercury is almost out of retrograde and things are looking up!

I'm going to walk into the night a bit and thank my lucky stars for all I've been given and others have been given...Life means so much!

Feeling anew...

Lately, there are tons of miracles happening. I'm grateful for so much! I just moved, and although it's always so hectic with moving...I'm glad I did it! I feel there was some divine intervention involved. I now have a place that's more airy and light, and it just feels right! I have tons to unpack and stuff...excited to bike and get out in nature. I'm glad it's Spring and getting excited for summer! I'm hopeful for the future, even though the world is going through much strife! I feel happy to have a significant other (someone in my life who's a companion/sweetheart to me. Who knew there would be so much change in these recent years! I've been pretty brave...and stepped out on a limb. There are things that I've jumped into...and before I would have been fairly reticent. Things have been good...and I'm grateful to the universe and all my friends, family, and my boyfriend. I'm happy for people who have reached out and embraced me even when things have felt very difficult and challenging. I'm feeling proud of myself and others. I'm feeling lucky. I'm just a girl trying to make the best of herself in this life. I'm happy for miracles...and if this can happen now, just think what meditation will bring! I'm wondering about my life ahead, but I'm happy to be in the here and now...and that's a big accomplishment for me. Being present in the present...thank you, beautiful moon, stars, and waves! I thank you...in joy.

My new hood...

Not as much eclectic, frantic=ness going down but pretty calm and I definitely need more rest, so I think this will do! :)

To be continued...

"Evita" soundtrack on roadtrips

When I was around 6 years old, my dad, sister and I travelled around the United States in my dad's pop top VW bus. We listened to Evita (on tape) many times, along with greats such as Carly Simon, Jim Croce, Neil Diamond.

It's funny because when I think of the music of Evita...I think of rolling hills, long highways, and cows grazing...since that's what we drove by while listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S39iFdZEiDA

I never got to see the Evita musical onstage, but I did see the movie with Madonna and Antonio Banderas :) in it. Unlike some, I really enjoyed the movie version..maybe because I didn't have another visual to compare it to.

I find it really interesting...when you hear music...how it's associated in the mind and heart with a certain time and you picture in your head=what was happening at the time...can bring back good or bad memories. This brings back fun, adventurous memories to me. Driving through the U.S to visit many states to go camping, with my sister and dad. Something that will always bring a smile to my face.

It's time...for Spring.

Time seems to sift right through my fingertips lately!

Does anyone else feel this way?

We're going at such a fast speed on this Earth.

I miss the ocean more than you know. I would love to sit in nature more and laugh with the trees.

The waves are calling me.
The sky, the clouds are moving overhead
while the wind sends wishes that we sometimes choose to ignore...
The natural world needs our participation...and it calls to us-more than we know...

Zumba

Zumba is really fun!!! We danced tonight at gym=all different songs from all different genres: African dance, hip hop, rockabilly, bollywood, salsa, the works!

And what a workout! I'm going to try and go weekly!

last post...

I posted last on January 10th..two days before the Haiti Earthquake. And I thought I had worries! Wow...what a perspective!!!

I'm very sad for so many people hurt, killed in earthquake! "hey world..what u say" Michael Frente.

Thinking of people and wishing I could help so much! What can I do? What can we all do?

Anyhooo..day off today and have time to think, catch up on things, get things done!

Sitting here though and need to take some actshun!

G :)

Worries...

I'm just so tired of worrying about some stuff. I want to have faith and know all will be good. It's really not in my power anyway.

Love and strength will pull me through.